Life: a Farce
by Random Slytherin 1
Summary: More Harry angst! Harry is dating Ron, Harry likes Seamus, Seamus likes Harry, blah blah blah..^^;


Just a little…bit. No clue how long it'll be. Just one of those things...first Omi monologues, now Harry…and I'm not Harry!! @-@ Either way, it usually helps, so here goes…

Sadly enough, I've recently (like, about a week ago) gone on a Harry/Seamus kick…its kinda shibby. ^^;

I like Yule better than Christmas, and if they were proper little Witches and Wizards (x.x) they would be celebrating Yule. So now they do.

Rating: PG, I suppose ^^;

Disclaimer: I only own what happened…no, wait. I don't think I own that, either. X.x

Life: a Farce

For:

Hermione- who always listens, even is she's too busy to offer much help

Neville- who passes Notes, and is always there with a sympathetic ear and a comforting hug

Dean- who…has a tendency to be not-nice, though he never fails to amuse me

Ginny- for being a miserable git, and too kind for her own good

Ron- though I'm still not sure why…

Seamus- for obvious reasons, and for being one of the deciding factors in throwing my life into a spin

Lavender- for finally admitting she liked Parvati, though we could have told her that in first year

Parvati- for being shibby and very…her ^^;

Its funny, really, how just as you think everything is supposed to fall into place and everything is supposed to be good, it all just crumbles to the ground before you. It should be a happy time, really; the end of Seventh year, graduation upon us…I have a wonderful group of friends who love me for who I am, and a boyfriend and a best friend in the same person.

So why, then, isn't everything wonderful as it should be? 

Ron and I have been together since Yule holidays last year…it was inevitable, really. They say it's always your best friend or your worst enemy. And since Malfoy was quite out of the question… So we were happy, right? I guess. 

It never helped, really, that Ron has a tendency to be rather hotheaded, and that I tend to…close up on myself when something is really bothering me. Not good at communications, either of us. 

But we tried, really we did. And it works…most of the time. Everyone thought it was sweet, once they got over the initial shock. I'm still not sure if I myself am over the shock. 

So everything should have been happy…I should have been happy. And I shouldn't have started noticing Seamus they way I did. 

It was about the same time that Ron and I got together; all of a sudden Seamus was just…there. No longer just a friend and a roommate, but someone who was…different. Like me in so many ways, and different in so many others. 

It made me feel terrible; quite attached to Ron, yet I couldn't get Seamus out of my head. It was sad and a bit disturbing…and obviously something I could tell no one. 

Least of all Seamus. Or Ron.

And so for over a year I kept it to myself. If no one knew it was there, maybe it would disappear. 

But I'm Harry Potter, and things don't just go away when I want them to. And because I'm Harry Potter, everything I do is broadcast to the entire Wizarding world.

Or at least, to anyone who was looking. I finally broke down to Hermione one day on the way to Charms, for once free to speak, as Ron was being held back in Potions. She had known already. Or at least, she'd had a bit of suspicion. Thanks, Hermione, for telling me. But really, would it have made any difference if she had said something first? 

Most likely not. 

So for a while my secret was safe with Hermione. All fine and lovely, because she usually has her nose so far in a book that she wouldn't even **think** to reveal a secret. Nevermind the fact that I'm apparently quite transparent.

I don't remember when the fits started. Some time in Seventh year, I suppose.

It eventually became too much for me, sitting in class next to Ron with Seamus the same room, just a few seats down. It made me depressed, thinking of what I had and what I couldn't have. And the fact that sometimes the want for the unattainable was greater then that for the material present. 

I tried not to let it get to me, really. But sometimes…like if Ron and I had fought recently, or just for no reason what so ever, it would become too much, and I would shut down. I would throw myself into a lovely pit of depression, would be unable to do any work, and often project my feelings onto all those close to me. 

Those times were often…but they weren't bad. Not like the other times. 

Not like when I ran out of class, or when I refused to attend for reasons other than illness. Ron would always be there asking what was wrong, but what was I to tell him? 'Sorry, mate, but I think I rather fancy Seamus. You don't mind, do you?' 

Stupid. 

I don't remember how Neville came to know…Hermione was the one to tell him, as I couldn't bring myself to do it. That was just recently; after this Yule holiday, I believe. Again, it was good to be able to talk to someone else about it, even if neither of them could really offer much more than a shoulder to sigh on and a comforting hug. 

Each time I would quickly walk out in the middle of a class I could see the sympathetic looks they shot my way. Ok, so they felt for me. Yay. As much as that meant to me, it got me nowhere. 

Our little group is a bit like a Muggle Soap Opera. Ron and I are together, but I fancy Seamus. Dean and Ron's younger sister Ginny are dating, though Dean seems not to quite fancy Ginny as much as she fancies him. I was a bit upset to learn from Ron that Seamus liked Ginny, though I did have rather a good thought about it, seeing as how he'd gotten rather upset when his best friend all of a sudden decided he wanted to date Ron's sister.

It was none of my business, really. After all, I was supposed to be completely infatuated with Ron, not Seamus. That's what everyone expected, so that's what I showed them. Everyone expects me to be happy and such, so that's what I show them. 

Even Ron rarely gets a look at my true inner darkness. Maybe I really **should** have been put into Slytherin; I'm certainly deceitful enough. To them, and to myself.

I thought it would go away. I **wanted** it to go away! Because I had Ron, and Seamus always seemed to have stories about girls that I didn't know, and everything was happy and good. 

But it wasn't good. No matter how much I wanted things to be good, no matter how much I wanted to think of Seamus as only a friend…Such is the life of the Boy Who Lived. For nothing in his life is allowed to be easy.

And if only…if only I hadn't said anything, maybe things would still be the same. But no, I had to open my mouth. 

Ron was in the Hospital Wing that day, recovering from a nasty bout of flu, so I was free to talk to everyone about some of the things that we all like and he doesn't. I was free to talk to Hermione and Neville about Seamus. Of course, I was dumb enough to do it in front of Seamus. It's no wonder I'm not top of my year, as many stupid things as I do. 

It happened in the Common Room between classes. Seamus sat with his back against a couch and his legs stretched out, Hermione next to him, and Neville facing them; Dean and Ginny were...there, somewhere, I think. I wasn't really paying attention. I was just happy to lay on my back between Seamus and Hermione, my head almost-but-not-quite in Seamus's lap. It wasn't uncommon for any of us to lie about on each other; we did it quite often in a friendly, casual way.

I was telling Hermione and Neville about our (mine and Ron's, that is) plans for after Hogwarts. We're both planning to go to University…on opposite sides of the country. We'd decided that when it happened we'd be…not quite broken up, but not together, either. We would let whatever happened happen. 

It was the perfect time, I thought, to finally tell Seamus I liked him; just before I left off to University, and wouldn't have to face him for quite a time. Truthfully, I'd been thinking that it would have been a good time for...some time. I could finally get it off my chest, and if he decided to hate me for it, he wouldn't have to see for quite some time. 

I felt bad; we were talking about him right in front of his face, though we said 'that person,' the three of us knew who we were talking about. I think my exact words to Hermione were "It'll be nice, then I can finally confess my undying love for…'that person'." Ok, so maybe not quite undying love…but a lot of like. 

He was there, my head was practically in his lap…of course he would have wanted to know who we were talking about, its simple human curiosity. We told him he didn't want to know...of course he did. Why wouldn't he?

He curled into a ball, turning away from me. It hurt. It shouldn't have, but it hurt. I guess that's how he was feeling, too. Stupid Harry. 

He left soon after that, going off to class ahead of the rest of us, Hermione hot on his heels. I didn't blame him; I would have hated us. 

Once they left Lavender and Parvati swooped down on us like vultures, demanding to know any little bits of gossip we had. As I lay with my head now being cradled mournfully in Neville's lap we talked, finally pulling out Lavender's 'big secret' that I personally had suspected for years. So she liked Parvati. I knew that. They asked what was wrong with me… Lavender guessed my problem was about the same as hers. I don't remember who it was that said it was Seamus...that wasn't really important. The fact was, half of Gryffindor knew. Yay. At least I had their support.

Later in class I couldn't help but to keep casting glances over at Seamus. He looked…sad, I suppose, a bit upset. Or maybe I was blowing things out of proportion, I dunno. Before I really knew what I was doing, there was a quill and scrap of parchment in my hands, and I was scribbling a note. Something along the lines of I felt bad leaving him out of the conversation (I did) and the 'thing he really didn't want to hear but I was telling him anyway.' And so everyone's dear Harry confessed and begged Seamus not to tell Ron. Dear gods, the things that might happen if Ron were to find out…After scribbling the note I wanted to throw myself off the top of the Astronomy Tower, and I told him so.

Neville was nice enough to pass the note to him, though, naturally, he questioned whether I really wanted to do that. I didn't, but it had to be done. I told him to pass it before I lost my nerve.

He did…and I quickly buried my head in my work. I wanted to know his reaction, and I didn't. I'd always gotten a bit of the feeling that Seamus didn't like me much, only stayed around me because we had the same friends. I'd gotten used to the idea, though I whined almost daily to both Hermione and Ron. (Though I never told Ron the **real** reason that it upset me.)

I never expected an answer back. I expected him to ignore it, or to maybe laugh it off as a joke. 'Haha, Harry, you're funny. Working on being a jokester like the twins, are you?' When Neville passed me back the same note that I'd sent I expected it to laugh at me, or perhaps say that I was terrible and stupid…

But he'd known. I never was very good at 'sneaking' glances at people…So he'd known that I fancied him. He didn't hate me. He…fancied me?? 

Usually I'm rather good at reading other people; I know that someone fancies someone else sometimes before they know it themselves. But if it's directed towards me, I'm completely oblivious. Have I said 'stupid Harry' yet? Stupid Harry. He'd kept quiet for the same reason I had; Ron. Always, Ron. He said that if I threw myself off the Astronomy Tower he'd do it, too. 

I wanted to laugh and I wanted to cry, and I wanted to throw myself at him and cling to him for the rest of the day. Instead I folded the note with trembling fingers and bowed my head, unsure of everything. Neville wanted to know what had been said…I let him see the letter, trying to force my face to go back to its normal colour. 

When I finally got enough courage to look up Seamus and I shared a look that asked a thousand questions; 'What now?' the most prominent. 

So then…I fancy Seamus, and apparently he fancies me too, though I never would have guessed it…and I'm still attached to Ron. And yet…and yet…

Perhaps a nice trip to the top of the Astronomy Tower isn't that bad of an idea… Or perhaps transferring to Beauxbatons. I'm sure I can learn French quickly enough to graduate.

But…graduation is only a few weeks away. What would be the point, really? I can't run away from something like this. 

Things would be a lot easier if I could actually talk to Seamus…but for some reason I clam up every time I'm near him, and I act stupid. Quite impressive, I'm sure. So instead of talking to him like I know I should… 

Stupid Harry.

Owari.

Well then. Ok, some things were a bit…exaggerated. But that happens. Can't have a fic **exactly** like it all happens, can we? ^^; Everyone but Hermione, Lavender and Parvati got gender-reversed roles. Yay for being bois. ^^;

Nothing really made sense, did it? And here, we have the workings of the Keiran Brain. Or, rather, I suppose, the Harry Brain. It's a scary, scary place that makes no sense what so ever. Please, do not feed the bears.

This wound up being 2424 words… I was thinking it wouldn't be more than 2 pages. X.x

'Scuse me, I must go crawl into my hole now…

-=Keiran Shea=-

-Random Slytherin #1


End file.
